L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach

Incredibly bad. Yeah, it was never going to be Citizen Kane but they could at least have tried! Mindless plot, hammy acting, laughable dialogue - there's nothing positive about this.

Remember Savage Beach? The L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies do. So do the bad guys, led this time by Rodrigo Martinez (the ever-dependable Rodrigo Obregon. There's gold all over this mythical lost island, so it's a race to see who can get there first. This is the last of Andy Sidaris' films, so I feel some sense of sadness after spending so much time in his world, knowing that this is it. Julie Strain is back as Willow Black, bringing Cobra and Tiger (Julie K. Smith and Shae Marks) back with her. For the ladies, J. Tyler Ward (Cristian Letelier) and Doc Austin (Paul Logan) are here to do martial arts, take off their shirts and wear medallions. And Warrior (WCW superstar Marcus Alexander Bagwell) returns, this time on the side of the good guys. Fu and Ava (Gerald Okamura and Ava Cadell) are also on hand, always ready to lend help. Kabuki ninja fights? Check. Remote controlled cars with bombs? You know it. Waterfall and pool sex? Coming right up. Return to Savage Beach knows exactly what you want and gives you even more, like Carrie Westcott as Sofia (Playboy Playmate of the Month, September 1993), a rollerblading bad girl who serves knockout pizza to an entire L.E.T.H.A.L. safehouse before its revealed that she's really an INTERPOL agent. And a slow-motion snorkeling scene where Cobra and Tiger go topless because that's how you really SCUBA if you want to do it right. My favorite thing about this movie is that it has a flashback to Savage Beach, showing Donna and Taryn flying the plane. Silk (Carolyn Liu) has a cameo as well, bringing more of the shared Sidaris Universe together. And oh man, the flashbacks to Martinez escaping Savage Beach? A priceless Buddha filled with diamonds? Random fantasy scenes? And a reveal where Martinez has on a mask and is really his nephew? Another reveal where he comes back to life? One of the creators of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles showing up as Ava's new tech Harry the Cat? A theme song that asks, "How many endings does this story have?" Return to Savage Beach is everything you ever dreamed that it would be, a film shot on a beach but mostly in office complexes that somehow finds a way into your heart. In a perfect world, there would be like fifteen more of these movies and that still wouldn't be enough.

It seems to me that the only reason you make a movie like this is to show nudity and gratuitous sex. If that's the case, why did this movie go 45 minutes without a sex scene? You're waiting for them, too. I sat there and was like, "Oh, OK, they're gonna get it on!... Well, maybe not." "YES! FINALLY!... Oh, wait, I guess not." They spend so much time teasing and hinting that you expect it every second, then quickly lose interest. And there are only two sex scenes in the entire movie. Both are dull. Perhaps it's wrong of me to be watching this for the sex scenes, but can you blame me? The movie couldn't possibly deliver on anything else. For the Bagwell fans out there, yeah, he's good. He also has a love scene. But don't be hoping for anything good. It's dull and they don't do much to each other. They tease you with hinting about sex scenes, and then when they finally hit you, they tease you DURING the sex scene. This movie suffers from schizophrenia. It wants to be Playboy, Red Shoe Diaries, and 007 rolled into one. You'd be much better off renting Playboy, Red Shoe, or 007 to fill your particular craving as this movie does NONE of the genres well. I'll say one final thing for this movie. It defies expectations. And again, no, NOT in a good way.

Remember: a genuinely bad movie is the altered state where everyone involved in producing said movie strives beyond their grasp for excellence and fails miserably (see: Arlington Road). This? "Return to Savage Beach" doesn't bother reaching for greatness; it's quite happy in its complete failure at all times. Which, sadly, means that it's only a MEDIOCRE bad movie as opposed to the desired GREAT bad movie. For all of those interested I offer the following statistics: approximately 2 minutes and 15 seconds of the picture were dedicated to the secondary sexual characteristics of women (a minor 2.5% of total running time). Given the acting skills of all involved, the production costs, and the numerous explosions it may be better advised to, when the cast and crew reconvene for "Return to Savage Beach II", shoot a 25 minute pornographic short rather than bothering with the employment of a script. But, in the end, RTSB does answer one important question: where do Playboy Playmates go when they leave the printing press?

A group of evil folks led by the nefarious Rodrigo Martinez (robustly essayed with lip-licking brio by Rodrigo Obregon) search for a hidden treasure trove on a remote Pacific island. It's up to a crack team of federal agents to stop them. Writer/director Andy Sidaris covers all the essential entertainingly silly'n'trashy bases one final time: abundant tasty gratuitous distaff nudity, huge splashy explosions, sizzling soft-core sex scenes, an amusing sense of self-mocking campy humor, maladroitly staged action set pieces (the karate fights in particular are hilariously inept), funky gadgets, a swinging "Goldfinger"-type theme song, and globe-trotting locations. Naturally, a bevy of beautiful babes are on hand to further heat things up: magnificently statuesque Amazonian goddess Julie Strain as brash leader Willow Black, busty blonde Julie K. Smith as the sassy Cobra (who works undercover as a *!), the insanely bosomy Shae Marks as Tiger, blonde bombshell Carrie Westcott as Rodrigo's foxy hench wench Sofia, Ava Cadell as sultry-voiced disc jockey Ava, and Carolyn Liu as the slinky Silk. The rest of the cast likewise have fun with the blithely inane material: Marcus Bagwell as reformed former baddie Warrior, Cristian Letelier as the amiable J. Tyler Wood, Paul Logan as the equally likable Doc Austin, and Gerald Okamura as ace martial artist Fu. Howard Wexler's glossy cinematography gives this picture an attractive bright look. Ron Di Iulio's lively score hits the stirring spot. A worthy closer to both Sidaris' cinematic career and this enjoyable series.

These are the words that you repeatedly yell out as you watch this spectacular movie. The incredible Buff Bagwell leaves us stunned and amazed by his great hidden acting talent. The great directing and writing by Andy Sidaris, who brought us such outstanding classics such as Seven, Hard Ticket to Hawaii, and the original Savage Beach, leaves us in awe and histerics over his newest film. Beautiful Playmates, only wearing a smile throughout the movie, show us their incredible assets and acting ability in this wonderful flick. They are quite a handful... Just look at some of the characters in this movie: a chyna lookalike, carlos santana/eddie guererro, and the incredible BUFF (THE STUFF). You cant say with a straight face that this movie isn't great. Just the incrdible techniques these stars use, such as the perfected ninja choreography, the toy RC cars, and the sudden appearance of clothes/props. In lieu of all these aspects of this movie, I cannot see how this movie does not receive a full 10/10 stars. This is truly one of Andy Sidaris' productions. Go out and watch it NOW!! DEM THINGS IS VERY VERY NICE!!!