Horndogs Beach Party

I saw this video free on Tubi, but it still costs more than money; my time. The title Tubi listed this is "Beach Babe Bingo." I guess the producer and/or distributor thought it may gain more attention for those doing a title-search for the Avalon/Funicello classic "Beach Blanket Bingo" of which I can assure there is NO similarity at all except 2 of the words in the title. In all seriousness a 14-year old with an I-Phone could make a better looking video, and with better sound. The script and surf music is beyond infantile, and the acting is what you'd expect. So with all that lack of talent/production I bet you'd expect a beach movie with bikini babes and *. You'd be wrong. SPOILER:There is no beach (okay, after an HOUR into the video there are brief non-relating clips of beach scenes), no babes, and no nudity, unless you deem a few seconds of hand-bra as nudity. There's a super-nosy next door neighbor hell bent on stopping a party, and she looks like she went to every bad plastic surgeon she could find. "Horndog" is a Rodney Dangerfield wannabe who appears as if he is some sort of celebrity making a cameo, for a total of about 30-seconds. Please, please, please avoid this waste of video.

I had the misfortune of watching this movie with some friends, it's really really bad. From looking at the picture, title, and description I knew it was trash before watching it and I was absolutely correct. Don't waste your time or money, there are a lot of other 'bad' films that are better than this, if that's your thing. This movie was so bad that I kept thinking about how humanity could've done something- ANYTHING- else with the funding for this project and come out ahead in a multitude of ways. Like, we could just make a video of a lady in a bikini throwing that money into a bonfire and it would've done more for culture and art than this, certainly it would've been more entertaining for everyone and would've been closer to the truth about what was actually done with the funds SoCal paid to make this. At least we could feel good about life afterwards, not like the shame for the human race I felt after watching Horndogs Beach Party. This movie would've been greatly improved with the addition of brain eating zombies or a chain saw murderer. I felt sorry for everyone involved in it's making, like, incredible pity that they were so hungry this film was the best they could do to earn a living. I'm imagining these artists (actors, crew etc) have a dream to work in film, and this is what they had to do to get themselves to a place where they can actually create something someday that would be at the very least entertaining. That makes me incredibly sad.

About the same thing a group of pre-school children could do - lots of completely useless video sequences, utterly ridiculous blabbering, and lots of really stupid noises. Unless your name's Beavis or Butthead, give this steaming pile a VERY wide berth. There's not enough caustic soda in the known universe to wash the stench out of your senses.

This purposeful attempt at making a schlocky retro-80's style horny teen romp alas succeeds much too well at its lousy goal. The limp (non)direction, terrible acting by a lame no-name cast, a meandering and uneventful narrative that unfolds at a painfully sluggish pace, a numbing surplus of tedious talk, the hopelessly witless humor (the all-time worst gag features a guy pooping his guts out on the toilet), an annoying bunch of insufferable characters, and the cruddy cinematography all make this turkey a total chore to endure. Worse yet, the titular bash mostly happens offscreen and what little occurs onscreen barely lasts three minutes tops. Only Troy Fromin as the raucous Horndog and J. Anna Lupo as snarky dominatrix trash film show hostess Sister Sadie Safewood bring any vitality to their parts while Brinke Stevens is wasted in a nothing bit role. In addition, while there are plenty of hot babes in bikinis the gratuitous nudity quotient is nowhere near as substantial as it could and should have been considering the premise. A real clunker.