The Crawlers

I saw the US version called Contamination .7 and .7 is all the stars it deserves. Unless you can give it a negative rating. This film is proof that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It is full of good intentions that go hellishly off point. It disappoints in every way you can imagine, and in some ways that are actually novel. I especially liked the undramatic chase scenes with recycled shots to milk the drama that didn't happen. The only way the acting could be worse would be if the actors were holding the scripts in hand in the scenes. If you are really bored... or really like the pain of watching awful films, then this is your movie.

Let's face it, the only reason anybody knows about this movie is that it was st one point known as "Troll III" in an attempt to cash in on the infamous "Troll II". Problem was like Troll II it had nothing to do with the original movie or had anything to do with trolls, goblins or a town called Nilbog. No instead here we're dealing with radioactive trees that were created using toxic waste. And yes, that is as stupid as it sounds. It's not even an enjoyably bad movie. It's dull, boring and totally not worth your time. I actually got this on one of those multiple DVD sets where they put 4 movies onto the same disc, or two discs in this case, and because you want to see one of them you wind up seeing all four just to see how bad they are. And trust me. They're bad. So yeah there is no reason to see this movie even out of morbid fascination. It's just not worth it.

I'm prompted to write this review because my cable company is promoting this... feature film... as a PAY PER VIEW. I kid you not. Let me open by saying that it's not the worst film I've even seen. That honour goes to US Seals. It's not even the worst horror; there's a dubbed Swedish monstrosity involving terrified cats being thrown at bored actors that just (JUST) edges out Crawlers. Let's count our blessings though. The production company that "funded" this movie is an Italian outfit that thankfully hasn't managed to branch out beyond the likes of "Troll 2" and "Quest For The Mighty Sword (aka Ator III: The Hobgoblin)". And both of the writers had never written anything before - and haven't written anything since. Let's be thankful for that.

The future of bad movies seemed grim and uncertain during the mass-destruction of the American drive-ins...but with dreck like THE CRAWLERS continuing to pop up, there may be hope for the future of schlock after all. About the film...it involves a small town being threatened by creeping carnivorous tree roots(rubber garden hoses, in all honesty). Take this hopeless premise to further lows by putting it in unsteady hands of monolithic movie-making incompetence. Now, provide a cast of featureless thesps, and give the dire results of these efforts a misleading re-title which implies that it's a follow-up to something which in no possible way could have generated enough enthusiasm to merit such an endeavor. PRESTO! there you have it. Instant bad-movie gold. I own a copy, and you should, too. 3.5/10