Bikini Pirates

Yet another, but unfortunately one of the worst of Fred Olen Ray's (aka Nicholas Medina) "Bikini" series of softcore films that stay in constant rotation on Cinemax. If you seen any of the previous films (e.g. "Bikini Round-Up", "Bikini Chain Gang"), you know what to expect. A silly but moderately amusing comic spoof of some movie genre, a cast made up from Fred's band of regulars who've found a niche, and six good solid simulated sex scenes. As always, it's a big budget (for softcore *) film that actually has a plot, action, sets, costumes, special effects (albeit cheesy), outdoor scenes, all new footage, etc. as opposed to all those softcore films which are nothing but several actors sitting around a house talking and having sex, sometimes with archive footage slipped in. This time out the gang is spoofing Pirate, treasure hunt and séance movies, and the real problem is that the comic writing is just not very funny. Oh, there's a handful of really funny lines, but most of the jokes fall flat, and most of the scenes that don't include the two pirates are unfunny and even boring. It might have worked better if they all had been transported back to the time of the pirates instead of the pirates showing up in the present. But they would have needed a ship (and an even bigger budget). There's no problem with the acting. The cast is all veterans (except for Cassie Young who doesn't really have any lines), and it's not the delivery, it's the jokes that are off this time. On the upside, Rebecca Love is awesome as Morganna the Pirate Queen. I just loved her in the pirate dress, the red hair, the dark red lipstick and speaking with the silly pirate accent. She can make me walk the plank anytime. I still hoping that Rebecca start getting bigger roles in Fred's flicks as I'm a bit tired of Nicole and Beverly. As for the simulated sex scenes, the "Bikini" flicks always do a pretty good job, but this time the sex scenes are even better than normal, especially if you like girl on girl action or an occasional drop of hot wax on your nipples. The scenes are also quite long, which is a plus. Overall... just not funny enough to watch, but fast forward to the sex scenes and any scene with Morganna the Pirate Queen.

The Full Moon cut down version of Bikini Pirates, this Fred Olen Ray movie has Evan Stone in its cast and I think he just took his outfit from the adult movie Pirates and no one said anything. Jill (Nicole Sheridan) and Dustin (Voodoo) have found a doubloon necklace and the diary of the pirate queen Morganna (Rebecca Love), so they get their friends Susan (Beverly Lynn) and Joe (Randy Spears!) to undergo a seance and that brings both Morganna and Captain Tygus (Stone) back to the land of the living and everyone races to find the treasure. Also known as Harlots of the Caribbean, this movie has both a cabin in the woods and Morganna's book looks like the Necronomicon. Except instead of blood coating the walls, people have sex in the shower. I feel like my time on Earth is short and yet here I am, watching a softcore movie about pirate ghosts.