Bikini Girls on Ice

This review have also been uploaded to my user page, Bml93, at Listal.com Well, what can you actually expect from a title with the name of Bikini Girls on Ice? It's not really a film you put on if you want to see top- notch quality. But is it a crime to put on a film like this, in hope for it to be entertaining? No, it's not. Bikini Girls on Ice is exactly what it sounds like in one way, and it's far from what one would expect in another, more crucial way. It's what you would expect in that the title delivers exactly what it says. Girls walking around in bikinis, only to be put on ice later. Unfortunately, the film doesn't deliver where it should deliver. It fails to fulfill the number one rule of slasher films. It's not entertaining. When you seek out films like this, there's only two things you need in order to be entertained. Some well-placed nudity (these are films for guys after all) and some cheap, imaginative and gory kills. This is supposed to be cheap entertainment in almost a "so bad it's good" way. If those two things are delivered, it's very easy to forgive things as atrocious actors portraying not particularly likable characters and an idiotic plot. But when the film fails to deliver those two things, you're left with a real turd. It's really hard to see what the director of this film was actually thinking? What creative reason did he have for choosing the decision that ruined the little hope this film had to come off as passable entertainment? You see, instead of filming stupid, hot and naked teenagers getting brutally murdered in the most unthinkable ways, writer/director Geoff Klein decided for a completely different approach to the material. He decided to have every kill offscreen. Instead of seeing people getting unmercifully maimed, Klein decided to show blood sprouting over the wall or the killer's face instead. Aside from one kill (who is painfully generic), every kill in this film is happening offscreen. It's beyond my belief how a 2009 film ended up by doing that. It doesn't even have that many kills in it. We're early in the film introduced to a bus load of bikini clothed females, but after some minutes of tame, supposedly erotic, car washing, half of the females just walks(!) away. We're cheated for four-five more kills in the most illogical and stupid manner possible. So Klein obviously thinks that seeing a few girls getting murdered offscreen in their bikins is enough to entertain. It's not. It's not nearly enough. It's quite simply a film that doesn't manage to compensate for it's awful script and acting. The film delivers girls dressed in bikins as the title promises, but it doesn't deliver any of the actual good things one would expect from a title like that. We're shown one set of * and actually shown one kill. The rest is offscreen, and that makes for really bad film.

I found this film - which is a great deal less titillating than the salacious title would have you believe - interesting. Not good, but interesting. It is an absolutely generic slasher movie in which, for reasons which do not matter in the slightest, a bunch of bikini-clad girls are stranded at a deserted petrol station following which they are killed, one by one, by a pump attendant who communicates solely in snarls. On the plus side - and this is what I found interesting - the film is well photographed. Night lighting is good, camera placement and shot selection is all thoughtful, and a moderate amount of technical proficiency seems to have gone into the mechanics of making the film. And the girls are a) cute, b) in bikinis (as advertised), and c) entirely without the aid of surgical enhancement. However, the film is trite and derivative, the killer is without motive or sense, and while there may be moderate suspense at times, there are no surprises whatsoever: the whole thing is predictable from start to finish. Therefore, on a creative level, the film must be considered a failure.

Why do we watch slashers? To see beautiful girls and original killings. Unfortunately this movie lacks in the second department. Leave aside the originality, you can't even see the killings properly. Because the shots are done from the victim's perspective so all you see is some sweaty mad man bashing people with several tools, without a clear reason or back story. And that's pretty much it. No gore, no blood, nothing! Just some stupid half naked characters running around like a headless chicken and getting offed one by one by this mad mechanic. Lol at the genius writer/director, why did you even bother shooting a slasher if you are not going to show us the killings, eh? This Geoff should just flip burgers instead of shooting movies, for the sake of the genre and our sanity. Please Geoff, stay 10 miles away from the camera and go write children's books if you have an itch to scratch. Apparently shooting a horror/slasher is way beyond your skills and imagination.