Aleta: Vampire Mistress

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People giving this low ratings aren't giving this enough credit. You have to rate this based on what it is - it's not a big budget studio production. But they still managed to have an interesting story, plenty of nudity, and even some interesting musical numbers. Yes, this believe it or not, this is a musical! Ok, the acting is terrible and the secretary of defense looks like he's 30 years old. But I enjoyed it a lot.

This is what happens when you have a adult movie cast trying to do a movie with a plot. You can tell who was paid extra to go topless and who wasn't. So there's this immortal vampire Empress of China who leads a cult of subordinate vampires. The Secretary of Defense wants to recruit her as a secret agent, but trying to stop him is a Von Helsing (not a Van Helsing, because that would have required someone to do research) and a psychic. The problem is the lead actress... you can barely understand what she is saying and her voice is kind of goofy... But she was willing to do * scenes, which is what I suspect the director had in mind. OH, yes. And musical numbers. It has musical numbers. Need I say more. Fake CGI Blood spurts. Cars driving against green screen backgrounds. The beginning of the movie looks like it was competently made, but then the later parts got cheap and kind of silly. You know, like they ran out of money halfway through.

Wow, this movie was bad. Very bad! First of all, you should know that this movie is what appears to be a very ambitious home-movie project. It feels like something you could very well shoot with your very own DV camera if you only had enough friends to make an appearance as one or more characters in the movie. The entertainment value of "Aleta: Vampire Mistress" (aka "Empress Vampire") is almost non-existing. I managed to endure a prolonged 27 minutes of the movie, which actually felt like way more. With very little of any worth or interest happening, I just gave up. And the fact that the characters were bland and pointless didn't help much either, nor the fact that the acting performances were not impressive either. For a vampire movie, this was a swing and a miss. It felt like director Phil Condit had an idea, scribbled it down on paper along with co-writer Ange Maya and turned it into a movie. And in the process also assigning the lead role to his co-writer as well. While she is an attractive woman, she is not that much of an accomplished actress - sorry to say. The dialogue in the movie was atrocious, and most of it was delivered with such a lack of performance that you just yawn your way through it and your attention will quickly wander elsewhere than on the movie. The acting in the movie was amateurish. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing. But it just was a bit forced in this movie and it didn't really feel natural. I am rating this movie a mere two out of ten stars. It was an ambitious project for sure, but it didn't deliver where it mattered. I had an hour left of the movie, and I have absolutely zero interest in returning to finish the movie at any time in the future.

The story here is basically the origin story of an immortal vampire, and how she operates in the modern day. As stories go it isn't incredibly original, but it also isn't played-out, either. The plot could well be behind any number of Hollywood blockbusters. This isn't quite an indy film, though, it's made by Sick Puppy Pictures. So there's a budget, albeit not huge. The production values aren't amateur. The picture and sound are clear, and the costuming and makeup are effective. The real weaknesses of this movie are partly in the script and, sadly, partly in some of the cast. The script is elaborate and meanders, as it needs must with such a plot. Unfortunately the dialogue can come off as stilted and uninspired at several points. And the cast is an uneven mix of experienced actors who deliver their lines with precision (if not always passion), and actors who are as stilted as the dialogue. And there is the slight issue of a language barrier; Ange Maya was born in China, and seems to speak her native tongue fluently and with passion. Unfortunately her broken English, though technically correct, is too slow to flow smoothly with the emotions her character is supposed to be experiencing. On the positive side, there are a lot of good mechanics in film making demonstrated here. Camera work, sound, even the special effects, though cheesy, show promise. A good script paired with this great crew and even the cast of this movie could make for a very good story and delivery. The more salacious positive of this film is the abundance of clearly-posed, well-lit female nudity. It is gratuitous and blatant, but a just compensation for some painfully- awkward dialogue and convoluted plot. I hope that Ange Maya is getting voice lessons, as there are glimpses of competent acting in this film.

I'm always digging for b-horror movies, it's one of the great things on the world wide web. That said, the filmmakers on the set of "Aleta: Empress Vampire" seemed to have low expectations in the audience they would attract. 10 minutes into this simple yet over explained plot, I felt like an idiot for hitting 'play'. I just thought the idea of mixing some Chinese history into the cliche vampire story could be interesting and if all else failed at least there were * ( the * were the sole reason I gave it 2 stars instead of 1, judge me if you want but look where you are, why are you reading this?). Writing wise, there was only one moment in the movie, during Aleta's backstory, where I thought 'interesting', the rest I just felt disrespected as an audience member. Here's my list of technical issues I found too distracting to stay focused; the camera man has clearly never watched a movie or tv (nor the director for that matter), most of the special effects were obviously added in post, there were no sound effects just whatever the mic picked up, the fake accents were really bad and completely unnecessary, the acting is pretty much what you would expect...I could go on but I wouldn't want to spoil all the "fun". The things the director seemed to care about didn't make any sense and the things the director should have cared about he didn't at all because the audience will probably be too dumb to notice. I guess the issue is on my side of the screen because I know how the laces in my shoes work and I don't drool when I talk. If they tried to make this funny it could have worked, there were some unintentionally funny moments that made me wish the "filmmakers" didn't take themselves so seriously. I find it hard to believe that everybody behind the camera was proud of this one. That's my honest opinion, I'm not going to tell you what to do. Watched on tubiTV, 2019.

ALETA: VAMPIRE MISTRESS is a boring title for a boringly predictable indie comedy horror flick which goes for the trashy approach. It's a real piece of junk, laughably inept from beginning to end, which feels more like a softcore * movie than a horror. The story reminded me a little of QUEEN OF THE DAMNED and features an occasionally topless vampiress stalking for prey. This effort has a Bollywood feel at times with song and dance numbers randomly inserted into the mix alongside romantic scenes, rubbish costumes, awful CGI, and nudity. It all adds up to very little overall.